The power of emotional intelligence in communication has gained significant recognition in recent years. Research shows that how we deliver our messages often matters more than the actual words we choose. The phrase “It’s not what you say, but how you say it” serves as a fundamental principle for those who command respect through their communication skills.
The science behind impactful communication
In the 1970s, psychologist Albert Mehrabian established what became known as the 55-38-7 rule of communication. This groundbreaking research revealed that only 7% of our communication impact comes from the words themselves. The remaining 93% derives from tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%). This distribution has been validated by numerous subsequent studies, highlighting the crucial role of non-verbal elements in effective communication.
When our verbal and non-verbal communication align, we create a powerful impression of authenticity and trustworthiness. However, when these elements contradict each other, listeners instinctively trust what they see and hear over what’s being said. This phenomenon explains why emotionally intelligent individuals focus intensely on their delivery methods.
Consider these common scenarios where delivery transforms impact:
- Setting personal boundaries with confidence rather than hesitation
- Making professional requests with calm assurance instead of anxiety
- Providing feedback with compassion versus frustration
- Expressing disagreement with respect rather than aggression
Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University found that approximately 80% of relationship information is conveyed through non-verbal signals. This finding emphasizes that our conversations represent exchanges of emotions, not merely exchanges of ideas.
Emotional intelligence as the foundation of respect
Emotional intelligence encompasses the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions while skillfully navigating those of others. This capability directly influences how effectively we communicate. Emotionally intelligent individuals cultivate self-awareness about their communication patterns, allowing them to adjust their tone, body language, and emotional expression to align with their intended message.
These individuals understand that genuine respect cannot be demanded—it must be earned through consistent communication that demonstrates both competence and character. By maintaining alignment between verbal and non-verbal elements, they create a powerful impression of integrity that naturally commands respect.
| Communication Element | Impact on Respect |
|---|---|
| Tone of Voice | Conveys confidence, sincerity, and emotional state |
| Body Language | Demonstrates conviction, openness, and attentiveness |
| Word Choice | Establishes expertise, consideration, and clarity |
| Emotional Alignment | Creates authenticity, trustworthiness, and connection |
When these elements work in harmony, the result is a communication style that naturally commands respect without seeming forced or artificial. This authentic approach resonates deeply with others, as it addresses our innate desire for consistent, trustworthy interaction.
Practical applications of the transformative phrase
Adopting the mindset that “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” can transform both personal and professional relationships. This perspective shift encourages focusing on the emotional impact of communication rather than merely its informational content.
Emotionally intelligent communicators consistently prioritize three key elements in their interactions:
- Intentional tone modulation to match the message’s purpose
- Conscious body language that reinforces rather than undermines their words
- Careful attention to the emotional impact of their delivery
In practice, this might mean maintaining calm, measured speech when addressing conflicts, rather than allowing emotional escalation. It could involve making deliberate eye contact and adopting open posture when expressing support or agreement. These seemingly small adjustments create profound differences in how messages are received and interpreted.
By internalizing this transformative phrase, individuals develop a heightened awareness of communication’s multidimensional nature. They recognize that effective communication isn’t about perfect word choice but rather about creating harmony between what’s said and how it’s expressed.
In today’s world, where authenticity and clarity are increasingly valued, this phrase deserves prominent consideration in our approach to communication. It reminds us that communicating effectively means ensuring understanding through consistency, respect, and genuine human connection.
